To know the difference...

Wow. It has been FOR-EV-ER since I've posted. So I'm not even going to attempt to catch you all up because frankly, it gives me chest pains to think of doing it. :-)

Besides, tonight I'm writing with some thoughts. Happy thoughts? Mmmm maybe not. I don't know.

(Remember when I said I started this blog so I could talk to myself in a more socially-acceptable way? Yeah, you can stop reading NOW if you want.)

Tonight I'm feeling spent. Frustrated. Bewildered. I'm feeling the heavy load like this guy...

...except with fewer muscles and a lot more clothes. :-)

I'm sure you don't want the details...But, what it boils down to is this: the heartwrenching feeling that I've worked so hard on something and the results are not what I've hoped for. Has this ever happened to you?

I guess that sounds really lame. Of course that's happened to all of us!

But what I'm thinking of is more along the lines of this: you've done what's been asked of you, always tried your best, and put your heart into something and PLOP.BLAH. nothing.

I guess I've always believed that if you work hard, you can accomplish your goals. And any problems or roadblocks are just more challenges (aka learning experiences) to overcome. This is a positive attitude, right?

But, lately I've been thinking maybe some problems aren't always there to overcome. Maybe they are to be endured, learned from, but not necessarily overcome.

At a recent church meeting, a counselor in our area leadership said,

"God doesn't judge us on results. He judges us on our efforts."

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

Yes, that still, small voice can feel like a ton of bricks sometimes.

I realized that my problem is that I focus on results too much. I realized that sometimes you have to put forth the effort JUST BECAUSE. Because it's the right thing to do; because it's what God has asked; because you can't give up.

I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off lately thinking, "There must be something I can do differently...There must be something MORE I can do...There must be another solution...If this isn't working, there must be a better way."

And sometimes (probably a lot of times) that IS the answer. But, tonight I'm thinking maybe that is not the case for me right now. After all, there are times in the scriptures when God did all he could and because He's given us freedom to choose, the "results" were not what he would have wanted. So who am I to have my pants in a wad because I'm experiencing this feeling?

Right now I'm realizing that my answer is not a different method or a better way, but just continual effort with a determination not to give up.

My favorite verse from my favorite hymn, "How Firm a Foundation":

That soul, that on Jesus hath leaned for repose,

I will not, I cannot desert to his foes!

That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,

I'll never, no never

I'll never, no never

I'll never, no never, no NEVER forsake!

Isn't that great? I love it.

And this poem comes to mind:

The Serenity Prayer

by Reinhold Neibuhr

God grant that I might have

The courage to change the things I can,

The serenity to accept the things I cannot,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Sigh...I'm feeling better. Isn't talking to yourself grand?

Maybe next time I post it won't be so serious and melancholy.

Whenever that will be...

5 more months maybe. :-)